Need not duty.

Let me start by saying I am the last person who ever thought I would take on an endeavor like this.  I laughed when my husband first suggested this crazy idea.  But, I can honestly say that having sex with my husband every day for the past couple weeks has been an incredible experience.  I’ll share more later about why and how I ended up on this journey with my husband.  First, though, I believe it is important to share a little about our sexual history so you know where I am coming from as a woman.

Going into our first year of marriage I attempted to be a “good” wife.  But, the pressure of his high expectations mixed with a very tough year of marriage proved to be a disaster for our sex life.  We went into the next few years with a lot of frustration sexually and in our communication with one another.  Every argument in our marriage led back to these two things.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I always cared and wanted to be a wife that could provide for the needs and desires of my husband…but there was a huge wall of defense that stood in the way.  We both felt hurt and defensive in these areas of our marriage.

My huge epiphany came a couple years ago.  Our daughter was about a year old and our sexual intimacy had gone through the wringer after pregnancy and nursing.  I was at dinner with some friends when one of them shared that she and her husband had been going to counseling.  They had been on the verge of separating and this was their last attempt.  She told us that her husband had never complained about their sex life…but that through counseling she had realized that their lack of sexual intimacy was the epicenter of many of the issues they were facing in marriage.  Furthermore, the counselor had told them that the days when they didn’t want to be intimate and they were facing the hardest days in their marriage…those were the days they especially needed to be intimate.  They had committed to 3x a week and she immediately saw changes in every part of their marriage.  They are still together today.

I walked away with a newfound appreciation for our sex life.  I went home and thanked my husband for always be open and honest with me about this need in our marriage and asked him to forgive me for not taking it seriously enough.  Something changed for me that day.  I stopped seeing sex as something my husband needed and I had a duty of providing…and started seeing it as something I needed and something that we needed.  It has been a beautiful journey in discovering the fun that sex can be in marriage.  Over the last few years, I have grown in my vulnerability and creativity in this area of our relationship.  However, it has continued to be a struggle concerning the frequency of sex in our lives.

Like many women, I don’t have a physical craving for sexual intimacy the way my husband does.  In fact, I could easily go a month without a blink of the eye.  My eyes have slowly been opened though to the fact that while I may not physically need this in our marriage, our physical relationship overflows into every other part of our marriage.  Therefore, I do need sex.   We need sex.  The question is….how much?


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