Change has Come

So, why did I decide to take on my husband’s crazy endeavor?  Honestly, I’m not sure.  I never thought I would have done something like this.  But, I could see in his eyes that his heart was in the right place.  I knew that it wasn’t about some boyish dream…but that he truly wanted to see our relationship grow to new levels.  I was drawn to that.  In the midst of our conversations about it, we happened to have sex 2 days in a row (very rare).  So, I thought….why not make it 3 and just test the waters.  The crazy thing is that I started feeling changes in our relationship by the 3rd day….and I got more intrigued.  We felt a vulnerability with each other through sex and through our conversation that night that was at a deeper level than the norm.  That night we had a very open and honest talk about my fears in taking on such a huge commitment (including the quality of our sex life, my ability to call it quits if it wasn’t working, etc.).  I finally agreed that I was willing to commit to taking it “day by day” and just see how far we could get.  The changes in my husband and in our relationship were so dramatic that it became a no-brainer for me.  I have stood in awe of the impact our sex life has had in our marriage.  We are not the same people we were 29 days ago.


Need not duty.

Let me start by saying I am the last person who ever thought I would take on an endeavor like this.  I laughed when my husband first suggested this crazy idea.  But, I can honestly say that having sex with my husband every day for the past couple weeks has been an incredible experience.  I’ll share more later about why and how I ended up on this journey with my husband.  First, though, I believe it is important to share a little about our sexual history so you know where I am coming from as a woman.

Going into our first year of marriage I attempted to be a “good” wife.  But, the pressure of his high expectations mixed with a very tough year of marriage proved to be a disaster for our sex life.  We went into the next few years with a lot of frustration sexually and in our communication with one another.  Every argument in our marriage led back to these two things.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I always cared and wanted to be a wife that could provide for the needs and desires of my husband…but there was a huge wall of defense that stood in the way.  We both felt hurt and defensive in these areas of our marriage.

My huge epiphany came a couple years ago.  Our daughter was about a year old and our sexual intimacy had gone through the wringer after pregnancy and nursing.  I was at dinner with some friends when one of them shared that she and her husband had been going to counseling.  They had been on the verge of separating and this was their last attempt.  She told us that her husband had never complained about their sex life…but that through counseling she had realized that their lack of sexual intimacy was the epicenter of many of the issues they were facing in marriage.  Furthermore, the counselor had told them that the days when they didn’t want to be intimate and they were facing the hardest days in their marriage…those were the days they especially needed to be intimate.  They had committed to 3x a week and she immediately saw changes in every part of their marriage.  They are still together today.

I walked away with a newfound appreciation for our sex life.  I went home and thanked my husband for always be open and honest with me about this need in our marriage and asked him to forgive me for not taking it seriously enough.  Something changed for me that day.  I stopped seeing sex as something my husband needed and I had a duty of providing…and started seeing it as something I needed and something that we needed.  It has been a beautiful journey in discovering the fun that sex can be in marriage.  Over the last few years, I have grown in my vulnerability and creativity in this area of our relationship.  However, it has continued to be a struggle concerning the frequency of sex in our lives.

Like many women, I don’t have a physical craving for sexual intimacy the way my husband does.  In fact, I could easily go a month without a blink of the eye.  My eyes have slowly been opened though to the fact that while I may not physically need this in our marriage, our physical relationship overflows into every other part of our marriage.  Therefore, I do need sex.   We need sex.  The question is….how much?

Less Friction.

The 3-6-5 experiment is fully under way and as the man in the relationship, I must admit that I could not be any happier. Everyday sex is the dream that all of us guys had when we were in our prepubescent years….and if we’re honest, its one that lives on far into our adult lives.  So sex happens now on a daily basis.  It may not be the “Friday night dance party” sex that you may be thinking of, but it happens and it brings us closer.

Just a few days into this, there is already a drastic change in our tone when we are communicating with each other.  I guess it is hard to push things too much when you know that you have to have sex with the one that you are fighting with later.  But then again, I am learning the benefits of “make-up sex” on a whole new level.

Kidding aside, I think that there is a genuine compassion that we are showing that has always been there but perhaps could have used some help in coming to the surface.  All of a sudden, restraint becomes much more doable.  I will let my wife fill in some of the gaps here later from the women’s perspective, but for me I can honestly say I am putting more effort into caring for her and her needs. Its not that I didn’t care before, only that now I care to care…I guess.  The funny thing is that the compassion isn’t there because I know the sex is coming, it is there because the sex has already happened.  In other words, sex makes me appreciate my wife even more and because of it, I want to do more for her.

Here is the bottom line.  Sex makes me appreciate my wife and it makes me want to “serve” her more.

The Coming Journey

It all started when I came across an article online about a couple who tried to have sex everyday for one year.  They found themselves in a place where sex had become a pragmatic duty in their relationship.  Instead of enjoying it, it had become an obligation that just came with the territory of being married.  There is a great line in the article where one couple is recalling their pre-marathon days when they couldn’t remember the last time that they had had sex…not the day, week, month or even season. The whole purpose of their journey was to “rekindle” the flame and “kick-start” their sex-life.

We are starting from a much different position with a much different goal in mind.  To start, we are both completely satisfied with where we are in our sexual journey.  We both feel as though our senses are more than pleased in the bedroom.  I, like most men, have fantastic, sometimes unrealistic expectations of what sex is and how it should function within our marriage but I could not be more happy with where things are and where things are naturally going on their own.  My wife (who will also be contributing to this blog) will be the first to admit that she sometimes has to fend me off with a stick (which I think she likes :D), but will admit that she too is more than pleased with where we are.

I realize that “pleased” may mean different things to different people, so let me lay out some hard information that should nail down where exactly we are before we move any further forward.  On any given week during a “non-prego” year we average having sex about two and a half times a week.  That is roughly 130 times a year.  According to the University of Chicago and TIME Magazine, married couples on the high end, are having sex about 109 times a year.  So, it seems that we are well above American averages.  Clearly, we are not embarking on this journey feeling like we need to have sex more often and as I mentioned above, we are pleased with the quality of our sex as well.

Our goal is much different than the quality and quantity question…what we are after is deeper connection.  Now we will both admit that we believe that we have a strong marriage, one that reflects compassion and respect for one another and our children.  But we also know that there is always room for improvement and we are always wondering what will take us to the “next level” in our relationship with one another, our children, our God and the people that are closest to us.  There are a couple assumptions that we have walking into this journey.

First, we cannot help but believe that sex is much more than a just a physical connection between us.  At the heart of it we believe that it is the physical, visual and spiritual result of true intimacy.  We believe that sex is a spiritual discipline gives birth to more than just children, but to deeper relationships between us, God and the people around us.

So, that is our starting point.  We are really (REALLY) excited about the coming journey!  And we can’t wait to share some of what we learn with others.  Let the marathon begin.

Where we are.

This is the challenge.  Sex…everyday for 365 days.  You read it right the first time.  We are setting off on a journey to explore the results of everyday sex.  According to a survey done by the University of Chicago, the average sexually active couple has sex around 109 times a each year, which is just over two times a week.  The question that we are asking is, what would happen in our relationship if we had sex everyday?  How would it change how we communicate?  How would it change how we give love?  How would it change how we receive love?  How would it change how we love and relate to those who we are closest to?

We have a few assumptions that lead us to believe that sex is much more than just the biological act of reproduction…but we will get to that later.  For now the base of the experiment is this…sex for a year and the question is, how will it change us?